Internet Forum Psychology explained

I enjoy the company of those who effortlessly set themselves apart from all the typical wastes of skin that infest Internet Forums. Congratulations on earning yourselves a mention in my post, you’ve earned it. In all honesty, dealing with the typical forum/blog crowd day in, day out does grow a little tiresome sometimes. Let’s take a closer look at them.

At the bottom of the pecking order, you have the insecure people. The insecure females display the trait much more prominently than the males, and often find themselves easy prey to the petty leaders and smart assed followers commonly found in the forums. Due to being of an impressionable disposition, members of this species will often find themselves subject to the will of those above them, and subsequently leave the forums in anger, feeling downtrodden and shamed, or become a pawn to the “leaders.” It is more common for the males of this species to attempt to join forces with those they perceive to be dominant, as the females tend to be more withdrawn and hormonally redundant.

Next, you have the leaders. The leaders are quite adept at formulating scathing one-liners and pseudo-arguments to throw at members of weaker species, but when confronted by a passionate, confident and sometimes burnt-out individual, the leader will beat a hasty retreat shortly after getting in a parting shot in a vain attempt to save face. While the leaders may fool their followers with “courage” displayed during the most trying of times, they always fail to fool themselves. This results in the leaders losing enthusiasm for their forum spamming antics and a gradual decline in the amount of time spent attacking others until the leader finally gets a life of his own, leaving his followers hanging. Perhaps not surprisingly, female leaders are practically non-existent. Followers on forums show all the common characteristics displayed by followers in all walks of life. They rely almost completely on the “strength of character” exhibited by their leaders, and any time their leaders appear to falter, the followers grow weaker.

There have been reports from my correspondents hidden within various internet forums that the weakening and eventual departure of forum leaders often results in the followers growing to hate themselves and ultimately reaching a near death state before the intervention of my colleagues and the localized counselors. Followers derive a moderate amount of skill at spouting one-liners from the examples set by the leaders, but fear not if you are attacked by one, as they are very easily defeated. An interesting fact to take note of is that female followers are more tenacious than their male counterparts. My team of behavioral psychologists attributes this to deep-rooted anger felt by the females due to their self-perceived inferiority.

The hater is arguably the king of Internet Forums. Empowered by rage, haters are easily able to overcome all adversaries with a plethora of offensive, yet deep, meaningful retorts. These comments made by haters often bear within them an alarmingly dense concentration of truth, which serves as a painful reminder to the target of his/her personal failings. Other species have been witnessed attempting to pass themselves off as haters in order to appear substantially less appetizing in the eyes of members of stronger species. It is to be noted that these fake haters can be spotted by their awkward, badly timed attempts to instigate flame wars. A true hater leads his life harmoniously, joining the forum battles only when the opportunities present themselves.

Female haters are shunned by the male haters, who promptly identify them as fake haters due to their lack of emotional purity, eagerness to please and inconsistency in their ability to uphold the directives of hate. *The directives of hate print themselves out like Robocop’s prime directives* .

The Internet Forum administrator is a remote, scared individual with a grossly disproportionate amount of power. While he may try to convey a facade of intelligence, this is easily exposed by naturally stronger species and when threatened by a member of such a species, the administrator will hastily delete the profile of his opponent so as to save face and appear powerful in the eyes of the weaker, impressionable members. Female administrators on lesser sites “earn” their status by sharing images of themselves nude with the male administrators and subsequently sleep their way up. This is a common promotional strategy employed by millions of women worldwide in order to ascend rank-based command structures rapidly. Despite the innovation of the said techniques, the greatest responsibility a female administrator can ever have is that of a lowly enforcer, sworn to enforce the rules and terms of service the misguided male administrators dictate.