Dating a Dutchman

Thinking about dating a Dutchman? Here's what you should know: Dutchmen and Brown Shoes go together like Drones and dead civilians, Amsterdam and high apartment rental costs and Miley Cyrus and bad taste. I guarantee that on your first date with a Dutchmen the standard uniform of Brown Shoes, Blue Jeans, a smart shirt and a suit jacket will be worn. This is because like their female counterparts, Dutch men believe firmly in Doe Maar Normaal, i.e. do not under any circumstances display any individuality in case you stand out.

To get anywhere with a Dutch man you have to be able to understand, respect and tolerate their primary religion which is money. Dutch men worship money above just about anything else. If you wish to get into a Dutchman’s heart you need to accept that there are three of you in the relationship, him, you and his money which he will cling onto like a Gold Digger to a footballer. When he presents you with your portion of the bill, smile gracefully and pay your share as if this is the most normal thing in the world.

If you do manage to bag yourself a Dutchmen, and end up moving in with him, you’ll be the witness to an incredible transformation. The once proud Dutch lion will become a pussycat. Dutch women, even though they typically only contribute less than 25% of income to the household, firmly rule the roost and wear the trousers at home. Visit any V&D or major store on a Saturday and you’ll witness the once proud Dutch lion being bossed around by his poorly dressed partner. Once you have a Dutchman he will expect you to bark orders at him like a circus trainer shouting at his animals. Don’t forget this as otherwise he’ll be unsettled in the relationship and may go elsewhere for a bit of tough love.

When chasing their prey, a common mistake made by Expat women is to dress well. In other words, not wearing jeans or old boots that look as if they’ve been handed down from mother to daughter to granddaughter. Expat women have also been known to visit hairdressers more than twice a year and they are also not strangers to wearing makeup. This can make the skittish and highly sensitive Dutchman extremely nervous. A well dressed woman with styled hair and makeup might be after the thing he values most, his money.

To stand a chance with a Dutchman, my advice is to take a flight to London. Find a homeless person that fits your size, and then pay them some money to hand over their jeans which should be in a pretty poor state. Wear the jeans, along with a pair of second hand boots purchased from Marktplaats (the Dutch Ebay) and for the rest of the outfit follow the example of Dutch women.

Pros: tall, slim, some of them are good looking, many are educated and well exposed and can talk about a range of topics, not possessive or chauvinistic

Cons: stingy, self absorbed, tactless/cluelessly offensive, stiff, boring, poorly dressed, not manly (afraid of approaching girls), lazy (expect girls to chase them), immature expectations of relationships and commitment.